Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
how drunk are you?
Several
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
