all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You were trust falling into bushes
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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