How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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