Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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