last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
