I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
