it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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