I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
and you fell through a lawn chair
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
