These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
