i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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