The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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