Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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