My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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