How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
