I accidentally had phone sex last night
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
