No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
