Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
