Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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