nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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