i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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