The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
