Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
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