The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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