at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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