Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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