Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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