can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
