I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
