I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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