Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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