Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
