There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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