So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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