i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
