it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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