i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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