Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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