____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob