At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
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Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
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You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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