I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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