Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
