I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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