Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
