yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sober January is a disaster.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.