I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there