Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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