She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
