Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
