Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
