My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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