my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
