I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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