Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
