yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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