I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
