these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
